Kiwi Surf Magazine

Roger Ramble hits rags

At this rate I'm gunna need a liver sponsor before the summers done, anyone keen??
I had sifted down to Raglan in the shit-mobile and as my bald tyres squealed thru town, taking down the dole-bludgers and wasted hippies loittering at the bakery, I decide to treat myself to a weekend of whimsical pleasures!
The Rip-in-the-Curl-of-the-fat-lefthanders-show-off-your-stickers-Pro event was into its second day of surfing the shittest, fattest, most overcrowded waves in NZ so it was perfect timing to do a weed run, make some cash, drink some free(ish) export quality piss and tune some wahine! Gotta love it when an ill-fated plan comes together!
The next two days were a blur of surf,sluts,skulling,skanking and skunk!

Sunday arvo arrived faster than you could say "Fat girls at the YOT club" three times, so as I stepped out of the haze I had to roll this small town before they found out that their tinnies of Matamata lawn clippings were not worth $25 of their hard scabed, tax payer funded, fortnightly "paychecks".
I headed back up north and went surfboard shopping with my mull moola. Scored a deal on Trade-your-shit-for-lots-of-cash and headed out to Swanson to pick up my 1992 era 6'3"x17"x2" pintail semi-gun!
At $120 this guy had rolled me like a fat girl in flour but after driving past Crystal (Meth) Mountain rd, and noticing the recycle bins overflowing with empty cartons and cans of Ranfurly ale I wasn't gunna dispute the Bruce Lee lookin lil fuckin grom and his old man. Bastards had beat me at my own game, rip-off pricks!
As gutted as I was, I bailed straight to Mud Bay to surf the yellowed tooth-pick piece of poo foam and threw myself into a few low-tide drainers, and fuck me, it went like the neighbours cat on acid!
It held more rail than a pro surfer in europe, turned tricks quicker than a five dollar hooker and I even got one shack that made Pipe look like Orewa beach closeouts. Sick as Aids!

With this new found gem of glass and fins I had obviously made an impression cause I was back in the carpark no more than an hour when the phone rang with some Noel wanting me to consultate on a new type of board production and then and there we started putting a panel together of a few shaper mates and other top pros like me to test ride and R&D this year, Fuck yeah! Watch this space munters..
The word also came thru swell was up on the east-side so I cruzed over to the Coro to catch up with crew at the Wrongboard Nationals for a weekend of logs, SUP's, ladies of many nations, and maybe a few more ales of export quality, in fact that beers so shit they should ship the whole lot overseas..
I had another epic surf, snaking and dropping in on all those mal riding kooks, then hit the piss with the SUPpers, those dudes are alpha males and can at least keep pace with the Rog on the grog!
The rest of my weekend saw pumping surf, a menage-a-trois (thats threesome in some fukin foreign language) with two canadian groupies, a bit of MILF spotting and a few more icy brews..
Ahh, its a blessed (and delusional) life I live punters, aren't ya lucky you can share it with me ah??
Til next time losers, gotta love ya and leave ya like a solo mum from Hamilton...